Monday, December 29, 2008

OUR Decision or GOD’s Plan ???

OUR Decision or GOD’s Plan ???

Have you ever wondering whether you already make a good decision or not?

Have you ever feel curios to know what will happened if you choose different path in the past?

Have you ever wondering whether the decision that you made is suit with God’s plan or not?

I have…

Sometimes I wonder whether I’ve made right decision in my life…

I wonder is it really what God wants in my life…



I wonder if I can turn back time and made different decision what would be the effect of it…

It took me a while to realize it…

When I decided to took the largest decision in my life…Sometime I felt that is not the right decision to be made because of the problems that God sent to me during couple months before it, the answers of my prayer…

But at that time my stubbornness took all rationale things from my mind

Is it right or is it wrong? Who knows…

From that decision I’ve got the biggest blessing in my life..

I had many memories of good times…

Will I have those if I made other decision?? Who knows…

Any decision needs consequences…

I’m aware of that…

I still have to live with the consequences of my decisions for many cases…

And when there is temptation come (Really attempting sometimes…hehehe…)

Sometime I’m starting to question again my decision…

Was it the right decisions?

Sometime I almost felt to the temptation to see what will happened if I choose different path…

But during those times, it seems that God always protect me to choose other path…

So, IS IT MY DECISION OR GOD’S PLAN FOR MY LIFE??

A verb from bible remind me

“God is my shepherd, I shall not want…”

And there is another verb that strengthens me….

"There is a time for everything and season for every activity under heaven. HE has made everything beautiful in its time"

So…Just live your life and fulfill it with good things..

Any decision has it own consequences that you should live with :)

Jakarta, my kos2an
December 27th 2008 00:45

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Huahahaha....

Hahahahahahaha...
Aduh...Ampe sakit perut aku baca blog temenku yang satu ini....
Hahahaha...lucu juga tapi ada juga yang melow abis...
Serasa bukan patner bisnisku yang serius kayak biasanya :p
Hahahaha...
Aduh mas...kok melonkolis banget deh....

Penasaran???



Coba deh baca indrakurniadi.com
Kalo baca tag yang romance serasa kita jadi ikutan melow...(uhmm...)
Kalo baca tag yang sex....wuhahahaha..sebagai cewek aku pengen ketawa aja..huahahaha....segitunya ya cowok itu..huahhaha..sori mas...ga bermaksud ngetawain abis lucu deh... *ngempet ketawa mode*

So check it out by yourself..Happy blogwalking....

????? WHAT IS LOVE ??????

What is Love..???
Hmm...What is Love??
Why do it bother so many people???

I quote from a poem that I read during my High School... (not exactly coz I forget some part of it.. :p )

Love is come into different shape
Love from mother to child...
Love between friends..

Well I forget the exact poems...
As far as I remember it a good poems..I wish I can find it again...
Anyway...What is love??
Can you feel the same love for 2 different person?
Is it fair?



In my own experience, I even have fear if my baby boy Alex have another sibling, can I love them equally the same?
So the next question is..can love be divide?

does love can be disappear after some time??
or can it reappear again??
What is love?
What is love?

Hmmmm....

Friends are gifts for life...

Have you ever acknowledge someone that you see everyday?
Have you ever think what you can do without them..?
A friend that separate by distance...is still a friend?
Today I feel very grateful to have bunch of best friends....
Like I posted yesterday, I felt that it was my blue Christmas without my family
But as I see it now...
I think God wants me to realize that I have great friends that care for me...


On Christmas eve, my business partner, Mas Indra willingly to drop me to church with located miles away and almost in the middle of the night although I know that he is tired physically and emotionally because of the problems...Thank you mas...I don't how can I go to church at night without you.. :)

Secondly, My old best friend Arwita, she and I already become friend since our childhood coz we are neighbors and for several years we went to the same school... After joining the Devotion of Christmas eve, we went to Wita's places and talked for things..and things..a lot of things...we chat until almost 2.30 in the morning.. Wit, sometime I really miss our conversation, our chat...Seems like old days, right Wit? Like when we still teenagers but now we discuss things/problems that adults have :) not kids anymore... Thank you for your cook Wit.. Yummy...Next time make me another one, please...hehehe...

And then Troy, my best friend at ITS. He came to meet me and Wita at Pondok Indah Mall. And then Wita with her friends and Troy drove me home. Despite of the full schedule that he had, he still spare his time to see an old friends..And I really appreciate for that Troy. Thank you. Specially thank you to care about me so much, I mean... in this few days I get worst cough and influenza (coz I slept only 3-4 hours fr\or this past 4 days and then probably the stress from the problem that I had) Anyway...
After saw my condition, he suggest me to took massage or relaxation and then he accompany me there even wait longer because I had more treatment...and He treat me...Thanks Troy :)
You really are a gentlement..(hehehe..kalo baca ini jangan Ge Er :p ) The woman that become your spouse will be very lucky :) Wish you the best

And also Thak you for my sista of life..Yoyo (sist..jadwal kita tabrakan terus ya :< ), Putty who recently enggage (suit-suit..congratz ya Cung...) Mona (gimana kabar Brian, Crot? ) It's too bad we can not see each other this week. Soon okay (Cung gimana kalo di nikahanmu aja gimana? hehehe...) And for all of my friends which I can not mention one by one...Thank you...Thank you... Wish you all the best :)

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

BLUE CHRISTMAS....

I'm dreaming of a warm Christmas...
Just like the one I used to know...
When the tree top glisten...
And children listen...

Hiks..hiks...I miss my baby....
It's a blue Christmas..
Coz I spend it far away for the people that I love...
Away from my baby boy Alex...



I miss him so much...
This is Alex first Christmas without me....

As an excuse I kept telling my self that it is for the sake for my family
And for Alex eventually....
But...
It just feels diffrent...

Hopefully the problems that drag me to Jakarta during my holiday can be solve soon...
Hopefully...
Amen...

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Mama Memoriam Part 1 "Childhood Memories.."


It’s been a while since my last post. So many things to do lately, at home..at school….

But today I want to write about my mom…my role model J

December 9th is 1000 days after my mom passed away. You know, In Indonesia, and especially in Javaness culture there are some days that become a reminder of someone’s death. (it’s like 3, 7, 40, 100, and 1000). The purpose is, I think, to remind the family and friends to pray for the soul of that person. We’ve done it for my great grandfather who was a bikhu (Buddhists) and also for my grandparents who were Moslem and Christian.

At December 8th night we held a small devotion for my mom and my dad released his new book..my mom’s biography..(I’ll share it next time.. J )

Now about mama, my mom, mimama…..

She surely is my role model in life….

She is a super woman..a wonder woman…(I’m not exaggerating about this…)

She is the type of multi tasking person…and a loving mother….

When I was a kid, after she went home from work and take nap, usually she took me and my little brother with a motorcycle to sell jewelry (door to door), land, property and everything that can be sold. It was a fun moment, although sometime we got rain on the way or tired (coz my mom who was afraid of my legs get into the wheel of the motorcycle always ask me to spread my legs when I sat behind her at the motorcycle…hahaha if I remember that it must have been silly….) And she loves to eat.. so every time we’ve able to sell something or whenever my dad’s book published or at any special events, restaurant is the place where we celebrate it…KDS in Malang is our fave restaurant when I was a kid…

She also a type of person that never stop learning. Although she must had been busy of having 2 kids(3 on the way), a job to do, and a business to manage, she still have time and energy to take her master degree at UGM, Jogya… a city with 6-7 hours travel from my home town.. I still remember how my brother and me compete to cry hysterically whenever it’s time for her to go to Jogya for her studies..(before that my my dad took the master degree at UGM too, and after he finished it, my mom took the degree there..) Now when I have baby of my own, I know that it must been hard for her to left her babies at that time….

Something that I remember during my childhood is how mama and papa can share happily and equally about their marriage. I mean, when there’s the time for papa to study at Jogya or having project out of Island, mama spent more time at home to be with me and my siblings, and when it’s time for mama to study or have work at other town, papa was the one who take care of us… There’s seems like unspoken agreement that whenever their spouse busy doing something, the other should be able to be with the kids… And I think they have managed it well….

One value that I salute from them is “husband and wife have the same obligation to raise the children, have the same obligation to earn money for the family, have the same obligation to manage the house…”

So if right now I saw a friend of mine (male) feels threaten by his spouse’s earning, even dump his fiancée because the fiancée earns more money than him…I never keep questioning why…What’s the problems for that?

Sometimes, my mom earned more money from her property business…And my dad always think that it was a blessing for the family… Either husband or wife earns the money.. It’s all for the kids, for the family’s sake. I admire him for this. Probably also because mama never underestimates papa or “melihat sebelah mata”. Papa is still the head of the family. I know that all of papa salary is given to mama for daily living, while the money from mama business or papa’s book royalty is to be invested or for the kids. So Since a kid I saw mutual respect between my parents. No one is higher nor lower. On every case they always discuss to each other before taking any action. “Keterbukaan” is the key of their marriage life. If right now I saw some of students’ fathers blame on their wives for the kids behaviors... in my opinion it’s been their fault too not being with the kid, never spent time during the kids growth. Or if some of the mothers blame on the fathers whenever they have financial problems and can not afford the school anymore…I never stop wondering, why do they need to blame their spouse..they can work or figure out something to help the family financial, right? Woman also human that can think, can work can do something for family financing…

Even one friend of mine (different from the one that I mention before…) he is a well educated person, but he thinks that his wife should be the maid at house, the babysitter (he only wants to play with his kid and don’t want to do the “dirty” work..). If the house is dirty blame his wife, when I saw that actually I want to yell “You don’t know how tired it is to keep the house clean while you have babies at home..” But that’s make me grateful also because Thank God my husband is not like that…Although he is tired sometime Mayok still willingly help to clean the house (because cleaning is my weakness :p sorry pa..) or take care of Alex..(Makasi Pa..I love you..)

(To be continued…)

Mama Memoriam Part 2 "During my teenage.."

Later on, when I was a teenage, I started to realize how hard it is for papa and mama try to give the best for their kids. I mean when mama and papa marriage they starting definitely from zero. Although my mom’s family is a welfare family, but she want to start it from zero with my dad. From their stories, I know that during their first months of marriage, they rent someone’s garage (not exactly a garage actually, just a “lompongan”) because they can’t afford to rent a house. And then when I was born they rent a house but half of it was still “gedeg” (bamboo). Thank God when my brother was born, papa had some fortune from a project and start bought a house. And during that time I always can find either papa or mama or both of them to help me with my homework and stuff. To mama I can tell her every problem that I had (but when I was at Junior High, I was an introvert so mostly I kept it my own..”dark ages” of my life :p..but since Senior High I begin more open.. Thanks to my dear big host brother Casper R Molthe.. and since that I always discuss with mama about everything…)

And I know mama and papa always discuss about everything…from their work, their friends, us as their kids :p…on everything… So I guess who lose her the most is papa.

Mama indeed a persistent person…when she wanted something she gonna gave her best effort to get it…And won’t stop until she receive it…When she failed…she stood up again and tried it again….

As a broker she had the capability to persuade people…When she saw opportunity she gonna chased it and won’t stop until it success….

If she can not made it to sell a house she will offer another.. and another.. and another till the buyer buy something or till the buyer positively don’t want to buy anything.

For some people who don’t know her very close, probably she is too pushing or demanding…but actually it’s just another work principle on her life to never stop trying and struggling…

That’s what inspire me to teach my kid and my students…”to never stop trying and struggling..”

She surely do a hard worker…. Sometime I even wonder where did she have the energy to do everything…as a wife, a housewife, a mother, a lecturer, a rector assistant, a broker, a house engineer, a writer (although most of the chapter made by papa) and other so much a……

How can she manage her time…?

How can she still able to made ice cream, cakes, or ayam bumbu kalak (Ido fave) or asem – asem (my fave :p ) or sup merah which very delicious until my aunt always order it for family gathering…

I still have to learn a lot to be like her…I still have a clumsy time arrangement :p

Sometime after go home from school, I feel to tired to do anything…. But I guess that because I put the boundary my self..(hmmm…) I should stretch my limit….

24 hours is too precious to be spent on doing nothing….

That’s another value I got from mama…I should learn on how she did it…

(wait for the next….)


Mama Memoriam Part 3 "Illness.."

When I was at the ITS, Surabaya - a city 2 hours ride from my hometown – Mama was first diagnosis to have breast cancer by dr. Ario Djatmiko (my bestfriend Troy who show us that doctor..) It was a shock for all of us… I think mama is shock too. I guess, but she never show it… She still had the spirit to work, to socialize, and as well as try to find the cure of her illness…. Many methods she tried to cure her illness but she refused to have the surgery. She became a vegetarian for a while and avoided all food that was fried. She only ate steam veggie and tempe, tahu (and the tumor growth is decreasing.. hmm…I think doctor’s should recommended being a veggie for their cancer patient J)

Anyway, 4 years she struggle with her illness but nobody outside from our family knows about that, because she is still had the same activities. She still became the Rector assistant at her campus, she still run LADONA (mama property’s business) even enlarge LADONA into a company with some employee…She still travel (to visit me mostly and to find the cure..) She still socialized like nothing is happened… I never saw her losing her spirit (except for few days after the diagnosis)

Something happened when I was newly graduated from college on 2004… Mama was taking a surgery to take her womb, because it enlarges and made her constipated. At that time I was a new employee at Tanzil…And works at Tanzil demand me to do a lot of travel to client…Even I can not attend mama surgery because I was at the client out of town. But that experience made me realize that a job that needs a lot of travel from family is not suit me…

Anyway after the womb is taken it was brought to dr. lunardi (and one more doctor I forgot…) to be analyzed. By dr. Lunardi the sample is sent to Holland to be check. And the result is it indicates that there was a “krukenberg tumor” (a tumor in stomach…) but they were not sure about it..so mama refused to take chemotherapy but still tried traditional medicine and herbal chemotherapy from Chinese No. 1 (In Jemursari Surabaya)

When the womb is taken, the tumor at mama’s breast is slowly decreasing and almost can not seen again…. (Is it has correlation?? I don’t know.. perhaps doctor can examine about it..”) And mama still with her lots of energy still run the business, she indeed is not taken any prestigious job at the campus anymore and spent more time at home and run LADONA… I think not because of her illness but because it’s papa turn to take a development in his career… during that time papa is run for dean at Brawijaya University… (now you know what I mean by both of them has unspoken agreement if the spouse wants the career, the other spent more time at home.. when mama was rector assistant papa did that also..)

In 2005 mama is had another surgery with her urethra, because she found difficulties to pee. First the doctor thought that there is something on her stomach that push the urethra and make it not well function. But when doctor did endoscope on mama stomach (with small camera that entered from her rectum).. nothing special found..(At that time I prayed that there’s no tumor found… Later on I wish we know it earlier L ).

And at that year I also prepare for my wedding…well… actually mama prepare for my wedding.. there’s nothing else that I and Mayok prepare except for the invitation card, because both of us stay at Surabaya while the ceremonial and reception held in Malang. The rest of it was handled by mama and papa at Malang (mostly mama, I guess…) That’s what I admire also from her.. Although she is sick badly.. she didn’t spent time to pity her self or end up in long sadness or stress… but she had positive thinking that better make herself busy to prepare wedding with 2000 guests while wait for the medicine works. As a child I saw her as a woman who was very “tabah” and strong…

One more thing that I recall is on how she loves her family so much (I put it in present tense coz I know although she’s gone she still loves us so much..) Mama loves us very much…In her biography papa wrote that sometime mama love us so much until it seems selfishly… But I guess that because she is a good mother that want the happiness for her kids.. that willingly jump in to fire if she needs to save her kids…

Mama is the one who brings back my motivation, my life even when I can not trust person anymore…when I lose my confidence, my self esteem, when seems that I can not love anymore...when I even can not love my self… Mama was there…

I found it out few days before she passed away that even she fought for my happiness even when I have no courage to fought it my own… She stood there before me.. behalf on my name.. for my happiness… See how she spoiled me too much and it makes me miss her so much…even until now….

After my wedding, she still busy to help me prepare the new place for me to live in (at Pak Daud’s place..) And I think because of the problems before my wedding and preparation after my wedding, it makes her colaps…Tired very much…And she was hospitalized, first diagnosis is maag, but when the doctor do some test on her (took liquid from her stomach)…Its known that mama has 4B level of cancer…

I don’t know about it until 1 week after mama passed away…. I think Mama only told Papa…and Papa only said it to Ido (my brother) who he thought is the strongest among the 3 kids..but when papa discuss it with Ido, my youngest sist Rina accidentally listen to ir….SO..ONLY ME WHO DON’T KNOW ABOUT MAMA CONDITION AT THAT TIME…And I never stop blaming my self for that…

Mama did chemotherapy for 2 times before her health is decreasing fast. When I saw her, she still can communicated well…still can angry to papa J Mayok said that Mama would be fine.. “she just look not as enthusiastically as usually but she’s going to be fine” Mayok said. But a week after that Mama was unconscious, papa said mama yelling my name for several times (at the same time when I almost drown at river.. is it coincident, well I don’t know) So I rush my self with Mas Ayok (and Bung Kus cs) to went to Malang…And what I saw there was breaking my heart…. She can not swallow anything so my sister needs to inject milk through mama’s nose…She was losing her hair…She can not communicate…Although I cried and whispering my name, she didn’t recall me anymore….

I promise to her I’ll be back on Wednesday coz I need to prepare my leave….But on Wednesday something came up..I should finish my grading for the students first before I left.. so I said to Mas Ayok let’s just go to Malang early morning on Thursday…. But that night I can not sleep I keep prayed and also finish my job…At 01.30 Mas Ayok went home from evening shift and asked me to pack because we should went to malang at that time…I have bad feeling why we should left in the middle of the night, but Mayok kept silence…After I packed and wait for taxi, Mayok said that Mama was gone….Mama was gone….

I was shock…I blamed my self… Mama kept her promise to wait for me on Wednesday..but I didn’t make it..

Mama please forgive me…

Even I can not be on yourside during your last minute…

I’m sorry for being selfish….

I’m sorry for everything that I’ve been done…

I’m sorry to not have a chance saying I love you for the last time..

I’m sorry for not have a chance to say thank you..to say how grateful I am to have you as a mom…

I’m sorry ma…

I’m sorry….

Ido and Rina (my bro and sist) can took it better that me…perhaps because they know how hard Mama had been struggle for her life.. How much Mama suffers during her time…I’m the one who don’t want to let her go….

Especially 2 days after Mama passed away, I found out that I was pregnant…. I kept questioning GOD..”Why God..Why…You took Mama away at the time I need her the most…”

A good news, seems not to be good news for me… (But now I give praise for it..Thank you for giving me Alex, my Lord…)

And like what Rina, my sister, said..it better to memorize mama with smile and laughter instead with cry and sadness…Coz that what mama is…someone full of spirit of love and laughter, happiness and enthusiastism….

Ma…I promise.. this is the last time I cry when I talked about you…since now I will tell about you to my kids and my grandkids with love and laughter…

Bye – Bye for now ma… I love you so much.. And I hope you can rest in peae and happily there…’Till one day we meet again….