Mama Memoriam Part 3 "Illness.."

When I was at the ITS, Surabaya - a city 2 hours ride from my hometown – Mama was first diagnosis to have breast cancer by dr. Ario Djatmiko (my bestfriend Troy who show us that doctor..) It was a shock for all of us… I think mama is shock too. I guess, but she never show it… She still had the spirit to work, to socialize, and as well as try to find the cure of her illness…. Many methods she tried to cure her illness but she refused to have the surgery. She became a vegetarian for a while and avoided all food that was fried. She only ate steam veggie and tempe, tahu (and the tumor growth is decreasing.. hmm…I think doctor’s should recommended being a veggie for their cancer patient J)

Anyway, 4 years she struggle with her illness but nobody outside from our family knows about that, because she is still had the same activities. She still became the Rector assistant at her campus, she still run LADONA (mama property’s business) even enlarge LADONA into a company with some employee…She still travel (to visit me mostly and to find the cure..) She still socialized like nothing is happened… I never saw her losing her spirit (except for few days after the diagnosis)

Something happened when I was newly graduated from college on 2004… Mama was taking a surgery to take her womb, because it enlarges and made her constipated. At that time I was a new employee at Tanzil…And works at Tanzil demand me to do a lot of travel to client…Even I can not attend mama surgery because I was at the client out of town. But that experience made me realize that a job that needs a lot of travel from family is not suit me…

Anyway after the womb is taken it was brought to dr. lunardi (and one more doctor I forgot…) to be analyzed. By dr. Lunardi the sample is sent to Holland to be check. And the result is it indicates that there was a “krukenberg tumor” (a tumor in stomach…) but they were not sure about it..so mama refused to take chemotherapy but still tried traditional medicine and herbal chemotherapy from Chinese No. 1 (In Jemursari Surabaya)

When the womb is taken, the tumor at mama’s breast is slowly decreasing and almost can not seen again…. (Is it has correlation?? I don’t know.. perhaps doctor can examine about it..”) And mama still with her lots of energy still run the business, she indeed is not taken any prestigious job at the campus anymore and spent more time at home and run LADONA… I think not because of her illness but because it’s papa turn to take a development in his career… during that time papa is run for dean at Brawijaya University… (now you know what I mean by both of them has unspoken agreement if the spouse wants the career, the other spent more time at home.. when mama was rector assistant papa did that also..)

In 2005 mama is had another surgery with her urethra, because she found difficulties to pee. First the doctor thought that there is something on her stomach that push the urethra and make it not well function. But when doctor did endoscope on mama stomach (with small camera that entered from her rectum).. nothing special found..(At that time I prayed that there’s no tumor found… Later on I wish we know it earlier L ).

And at that year I also prepare for my wedding…well… actually mama prepare for my wedding.. there’s nothing else that I and Mayok prepare except for the invitation card, because both of us stay at Surabaya while the ceremonial and reception held in Malang. The rest of it was handled by mama and papa at Malang (mostly mama, I guess…) That’s what I admire also from her.. Although she is sick badly.. she didn’t spent time to pity her self or end up in long sadness or stress… but she had positive thinking that better make herself busy to prepare wedding with 2000 guests while wait for the medicine works. As a child I saw her as a woman who was very “tabah” and strong…

One more thing that I recall is on how she loves her family so much (I put it in present tense coz I know although she’s gone she still loves us so much..) Mama loves us very much…In her biography papa wrote that sometime mama love us so much until it seems selfishly… But I guess that because she is a good mother that want the happiness for her kids.. that willingly jump in to fire if she needs to save her kids…

Mama is the one who brings back my motivation, my life even when I can not trust person anymore…when I lose my confidence, my self esteem, when seems that I can not love anymore...when I even can not love my self… Mama was there…

I found it out few days before she passed away that even she fought for my happiness even when I have no courage to fought it my own… She stood there before me.. behalf on my name.. for my happiness… See how she spoiled me too much and it makes me miss her so much…even until now….

After my wedding, she still busy to help me prepare the new place for me to live in (at Pak Daud’s place..) And I think because of the problems before my wedding and preparation after my wedding, it makes her colaps…Tired very much…And she was hospitalized, first diagnosis is maag, but when the doctor do some test on her (took liquid from her stomach)…Its known that mama has 4B level of cancer…

I don’t know about it until 1 week after mama passed away…. I think Mama only told Papa…and Papa only said it to Ido (my brother) who he thought is the strongest among the 3 kids..but when papa discuss it with Ido, my youngest sist Rina accidentally listen to ir….SO..ONLY ME WHO DON’T KNOW ABOUT MAMA CONDITION AT THAT TIME…And I never stop blaming my self for that…

Mama did chemotherapy for 2 times before her health is decreasing fast. When I saw her, she still can communicated well…still can angry to papa J Mayok said that Mama would be fine.. “she just look not as enthusiastically as usually but she’s going to be fine” Mayok said. But a week after that Mama was unconscious, papa said mama yelling my name for several times (at the same time when I almost drown at river.. is it coincident, well I don’t know) So I rush my self with Mas Ayok (and Bung Kus cs) to went to Malang…And what I saw there was breaking my heart…. She can not swallow anything so my sister needs to inject milk through mama’s nose…She was losing her hair…She can not communicate…Although I cried and whispering my name, she didn’t recall me anymore….

I promise to her I’ll be back on Wednesday coz I need to prepare my leave….But on Wednesday something came up..I should finish my grading for the students first before I left.. so I said to Mas Ayok let’s just go to Malang early morning on Thursday…. But that night I can not sleep I keep prayed and also finish my job…At 01.30 Mas Ayok went home from evening shift and asked me to pack because we should went to malang at that time…I have bad feeling why we should left in the middle of the night, but Mayok kept silence…After I packed and wait for taxi, Mayok said that Mama was gone….Mama was gone….

I was shock…I blamed my self… Mama kept her promise to wait for me on Wednesday..but I didn’t make it..

Mama please forgive me…

Even I can not be on yourside during your last minute…

I’m sorry for being selfish….

I’m sorry for everything that I’ve been done…

I’m sorry to not have a chance saying I love you for the last time..

I’m sorry for not have a chance to say thank you..to say how grateful I am to have you as a mom…

I’m sorry ma…

I’m sorry….

Ido and Rina (my bro and sist) can took it better that me…perhaps because they know how hard Mama had been struggle for her life.. How much Mama suffers during her time…I’m the one who don’t want to let her go….

Especially 2 days after Mama passed away, I found out that I was pregnant…. I kept questioning GOD..”Why God..Why…You took Mama away at the time I need her the most…”

A good news, seems not to be good news for me… (But now I give praise for it..Thank you for giving me Alex, my Lord…)

And like what Rina, my sister, said..it better to memorize mama with smile and laughter instead with cry and sadness…Coz that what mama is…someone full of spirit of love and laughter, happiness and enthusiastism….

Ma…I promise.. this is the last time I cry when I talked about you…since now I will tell about you to my kids and my grandkids with love and laughter…

Bye – Bye for now ma… I love you so much.. And I hope you can rest in peae and happily there…’Till one day we meet again….

My name means....

You entered: karila wisudayanti

There are 17 letters in your name.
Those 17 letters total to 72
There are 8 vowels and 9 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 9

The characteristics of #9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.

The expression or destiny for #9:
The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression.

t's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.

If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.

Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means:
With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.

You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.

The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 11

An Inner Dream number of 11 means:
You dream of casting the light of illumination; of being the true idealist. You secretly believe there is more to life than we can know or prove, and you would like to be provider of the 'word' from on high.

Wisudaannya Rina

Siapa sih Rina?? :)
Rina is my beloved sister.... :)
Tanggal 24 Oktober kemarin, aku ama Alex pulang ke Malang untuk ngerayain ultahnya adik bungsuku sekaligus wisudanya dia...
Kalo dulu, aku ngerasa sudah cukup hebat karena 2 minggu sesudah wisuda langsung ketrima kerja..(juga sobatku si Yoyo)...
Nah adikku ini, bahkan 2 minggu sebelum dia wisuda, dia udah kerja tanpa lewat tes di Ernest Young (one of the biggest accountant in Indonesia..)..
I'm so proud of her.... :) --> sungguhan dek...


Puji Tuhan baik aku, Ido (my beloved brother) maupun Rina bisa ketrima kerja cepat...Praise the Lord!
Nah, balik lagi ke Rina...
Jadi sekalian buat ngerayain ultahnya Rina, syukuran kelulusan, dan syukuran ketrima kerja...Papa bikin rencana untuk ngadain syukuran di Kertanegara....(maksud pertamanya sih Surprise Party..tapi trus gagal...hihihi..jadi ga surprise lagi...:p)
Ya udah jadi hari Jumat aku ijin setengah hari trus dijemput Ido buat ke Malang....
Lalu hari Sabtu pagi - pagi banget...jam 3 pagi bo...Mbak Yanti (my cousin) dah dateng buat ngerias Rina dan 5 orang temannya....
Wah kalo musim wisudaan dan mantenan kayak gini...orang salon pasti laku keras...ckkckck...
Karena banyaknya orang yang dirias...ampir aja si Rina telat....
NAh waktu abis dari Univ dan lanjut ke fakultas...Kita sekeluarga terima sweet surprise...
ternyata adikku Rina terpilih sebagai salah seorang lulusan terbaik dengan skripsi terbaik...
Hahaha..si Rina aja ampe kaget karena ga nyangka...
So, tambah laku deh satu ujug syukurannya :)
Setelah seharian di UB, malamnya kita ke Kertanegara buat syukurannya Rina... Keluarga besar Bude (ampe cucu-cucunya..) keluarga besar tante Dina, pegawaianya papa di posko, temen-temannya Rina...wah pokoknya rame banget..tapi sayangnya papanya Alex kejebak macet di Porong dan baru dateng jam 10 :(
Terima kasih Tuhan untuk semua kasihMu kepada kami....